Learning to Fly Again

I wrote this blog a couple of weeks ago but didn’t want to post anything saying that I was healed in case it didn’t last.  But yesterday, after starting back to focused training two weeks ago, I competed in the Cause Canada half marathon.  I finished 2nd woman and am really happy with my time of 1:30 given how hilly the second half of the course was.  More trail than I was expecting for sure.  I have a lot of work to do between now and Toronto on Oct 14, where I will once again attempt to do a sub 3hr marathon if I can stay healthy and injury free.  And if not, that's OK too.

It’s 8am and I’m the first of four women to get up at a Rhonda’s cabin, where we’ve come for one of the last weekends of summer.  I’m usually the first one up and with no cell or internet service I am thrilled at the idea of a few moments of total peace, looking out the window at Upper Kananaskis lake before the others get up and coffee, breakfast, and trail running begin.  Not two minutes into my book and out of the corner of my eye I see something hit the window.  Thwack.  I go over to the full wall of windows and look onto the deck.  Sitting there is a tiny little chickadee, completely stunned.  I sit down beside the window in silence and watch him as he tries to flap his wings, tries to move his legs and almost topples over a few times.  More time goes by.  He’s breathing quite heavily, scared for sure.  He keeps trying to walk and I’m worried that his leg is broken and that his fate is sealed.  He blinks, looks like he's falling asleep, breathes, sits some more.  And resigns himself to total stillness.  There's nothing I can do so I stay on my side of the glass, just watching.

“Dude, I get it.  I went through the same thing.  I know how you feel.  You’re just flying through the trees on a Sunday morning, enjoying the sunshine, carefree.  You’re pretty high on life.  You look ahead and see trees, not realizing that in fact it is a bank of windows reflecting the forest behind you.  Bang.  You’re on your ass and you don’t even know what happened.”

That pretty much sums up what happened after the Phoenix marathon.  I was high on having accomplished something I didn’t think was possible or within my reach.  I had narrowly missed my "sub" 3 hr marathon goal by 52 seconds.  So I had set a new marathon goal and was working hard at it, and training was going so well.  Micheal Smith, of RunSmart had agreed to write a program for me and with each workout he sent me, I laughed at their seeming impossibility.  But somehow I was getting through them with the times he was asking.  I felt invincible.  Sure there was pain but I thought it was manageable. 

But the pain just kept getting worse and worse no matter what treatment I tried, how much time I took off (and I truly did take a good two week chunks of time off, on a few occasions).  I had never dealt with an injury that wouldn’t just go away, that I couldn’t heal and get past.    It was infuriating but only because I wasn’t really paying attention.  Had I been, I would have seen that my path was a reflection, a bank of windows and I was headed for a major crash at full speed. 

I’m hesitant but today was my fifth day running in a row, completely pain free.  I am about 6 weeks post PRP, so this is just about the time that it should be taking effect.  It has been seven months of pain so great that I was in tears every time I tried to run.  Of feeling like I had forgotten how to run.  Of putting a stone in each of my shoes so that that pain would take over and act as a pressure point rather than the Achilles pain.  I felt like I was an awkward colt who didn’t know how to gallop.  Of one race after another being crossed off the calendar, of watching everyone at TransRockies and really missing being there for such a great week of friends and trails.  And in case you haven’t seen it, this was pretty much the ongoing conversation I would have.

About a month ago I decided I should maybe just accept that the season was shot so I bought a road bike and have been loving it.  I’ve done two PRP treatments with Dr. Balharry in Canmore (last one was in July) and have hardly run since.  I’ve been working as hard as I can on core strength and engaging my glutes.  And just now, just in the past few weeks, have things started to turn. 

Remember when you were a kid and you would shoot baskets and say things like “if it goes in, he likes me”, or “if it goes in, i’ll make the swim team”.  Well I kind of had that chat with the bird this morning.  Come on little guy, show me that I can fly again. 

A few minutes later everyone came down to the kitchen and the day got started.  We went out for an incredible trail run up to Elk Lakes.  It is the most amazing feeling ever.  Truly it feels like flying now that I can run again without pain. 

I’m hoping this means that there is a possibility of doing a fall marathon, but if it isn’t meant to be I am ok with that.  There are races all over the place all year long.  Right now, I am happy when I come home from work, grab a quick dinner and am out the door to meet friends for a long ride in Springbank, or even just the time on my own with some music or a podcast in one ear.  The rides have been amazing and I feel like I can go forever without getting as trashed as I do on a long run.  My energy is great and while riding certainly takes a lot more time than running to get an equal workout, it’s also been a new challenge, and has at least given me back the social/active time with my friends.  The weather has been stellar here so on the weeks I don’t have the kids, my evenings have been riding as the sun sets. 

I had my eyes set on a goal and was just enjoying the flight after my marathon in January.  But had I been paying attention I would have seen that the path in front of me was a reflection, not more forest to fly through.  I should have known that that many repetitive miles on road and treadmill would take it’s toll.  I’m a born trail runner, never had I spent that much time on flat, letting a machine set my pace.  Had I been paying attention I would and should have seen this injury coming.  Nevertheless it stunned me and just like that little bird, there was no point in fighting it, I just had to wait.

And I will continue to wait, and listen to my body until it is ready to go again.  No more attachment to some unrealistic goal.  But I’m also more excited than ever to get back to training because having had something I love taken away from me, I now appreciate my sport so much more, and how careful I have to be with my body. 

The good news is that when we got back from our run today, I went immediately to the deck.  The bird was gone.  Sure, he may have been taken by a huge crow and if so, then that was his fate, but I’d like to believe that after waiting patiently to regain his balance, that he was able to resume flight.


*As a side note, there was also a tiny splat of whitewash where he had been sitting.  If I was a life coach I would have taken a picture and written something like "drop your shit and get back to flying".


A HUGE thank you to Susan and Dr. Balharry, who made the PRP treatments possible for me. And to my friend, running buddy, and brilliant physio Somer Willson, and Marda Loop Sport Physio for your ongoing treatment of my broken body. :) I would not be running without you guys.

Glencoe Icebreaker

Nothing very exciting to post on this one. Actually I never really know what to write about. I raced, it was hard, it hurt. Who wants to read that? I'd love to hear more about what you guys want to hear about.

First 10k since the same race last year when we ran on about 3 inches of ice the entire way.

This morning was beautiful and the temperature was perfect. Great to see so many friends and familiar Calgary faces on the start line. Congrats to everyone on a great race.

Rosemarie Gerspacher, my TRR teammate from last year, led the pack out, pushing the pace at 5:30 for the first mile or two. We hit the hill at 3k, which I'm pretty sure lasted for about 1km, or at least it felt that way. Grace, who won overall, took the lead on that hill and held it for the rest of the race, and while I didn't think I could do it, I passed Rosemarie part way up the smaller of the first two hills. One of Grace's teammates passed me at on the windy bike path along the Elbow river at about 7k and we raced side by side until the last mile when I decided to see if I had any kick in me even though I could feel my stomach coming up through my mouth. I surged ahead, certain that she would accelerate and out-kick me. But she didn't fight for it so I crossed in 2nd place with a time of 38.12 which is a PB for me by either 10 or 30 seconds. I can't remember. I would have loved to go low 37 but I'm still happy with my time on that course.

I had forgotten what it was like to race fast. So much of my training has been mileage lately, I haven't been doing much for speedwork. But it was a fun day. The Glencoe Club hosted a beautiful post race brunch, and there were a ton of great draw prizes.

Good start to the year after the Phoenix marathon. And while my Achilles are still really bad, I'm working to heal with Somer Willson's help at Marda Loop Sport Physio. Myron Tetrault had the same issue a few years ago, so today suggested I look at night splints. Sounds like torture. I love sleep. Splints? Really? Time off didn't work but I have some serious strength training to do and I'm hoping that will help.

The best part of today though was a run with Natalie and Jasmine. They've been begging me to take them running. I have never wanted to push it on them but they came to this on their own and have maintained interest over the past few weeks. So today we got them a pair of proper running shoes and jogged down to Riley Park, played for an hour, and ran home. They probably ran about 4k total. I was so proud of them. They've also decided that they want to be a part of Team MitoCanada and plan to run the Calgary kids marathon and raise funds for Evan. We'll take it slow and make it fun. I want them to love running for a lifetime.

A little less than 12 weeks until the Seattle marathon. Let the mileage begin.

Running For Those Who Can't.

I'm a little late this year on my annual "nothing is impossible challenge". In 2010 after I raced TransRockies (which I thought was impossible when I originally signed up), I challenged everyone to run this absolutely crazy marathon: the Powderface 42. Initially I had about 25 people sign up as part of the facebook group. And the day of the race there were 7 finishers that I could not have been more proud of, including my 56 year old father who I ran with for 8 hours through the mountains. You can read the post from last year. It was amazing. And for those who didn't make it to the race, I know that a lot of them started running or set new goals for themselves. And that is enough for me. I just want people to realize that sometimes you just have to push yourself out of your comfort zone and that more often than not, you will surprise yourself at what you are actually capable of. We tell ourselves stories and it becomes a pattern of "I can't". When in fact you CAN. So here is this year's challenge:

Blaine and Sarah Penny have a little boy, Evan, who is slightly older than my daughters Natalie and Jasmine. A few years ago Evan was a normal and healthy little boy. One day he complained of stomach pain, went into the hospital and came out a quadriplegic. He can no longer talk or eat. He has been diagnosed with Mitochondrial disease.

Video

I didn't actually know Blaine or Sarah a few years ago and heard their story one day on CBC radio and I think because of how close Evan is in age to my girls, it really hit me hard. I couldn't imagine having something like this happen. Turns out, Blaine and Sarah are both ultrarunners (in fact Blaine won the 50 mile Canadian Championships last year despite going off course due to a flagging mishap) in Calgary and we know a lot of the same people, and their daughter now goes to the same school as Natalie and Jasmine. I have been so inspired by their story and their dedication to building awareness and raising money for research into Mitochondrial disease. They are tireless. And they have built incredible momentum. They were a huge force behind starting a non-profit "Mito Canada" and have rallied incredible support from the running, biking and skiing community, getting people to run for Team MitoCanada at any race they enter. They've got people all over the place "Running for those who can't." Blaine, Sarah, Evan and Julia, I'm sorry I haven't done more to support you.



So don't tell me you can't. Evan can't. You CAN.
And today is the day you are going to start.

I am calling you to the start line of either the Calgary or Ottawa marathon weekend on May 27, 2012. You can run a marathon, a 10k, a 5k or even a 2k. And there are kids races too! You can join the MitoCanada team and Run for Those Who Can't. Help Blaine and Sarah fundraise. Their goal is to raise $15,000 but if they get 200 people registered and each raises even $100 that's $20,000. I've got 250 people on my health coaching page alone, can I get 20 of you to sign up?

So whether you come to Calgary and run with me (I will be doing the half that day), or you get some friends together and sign up for a local race and have Blaine ship you a team Mito tshirt, let's all get behind this. You only have two months to train, I know. You should ideally have three. But you just have to get there and finish it. That's it. Just finish it. If you need help getting started there are lots of local running clubs, the Running Room clinics, or just step outside your door with a pair of running shoes. Grab a friend and do it together. Here is how to register and start fundraising for Team MitoCanada:

Please post your progress on my facebook page or through the MitoCanada facebook page or website or both, because it will help others to get inspired. Talk about how your training and fundraising is going.

Nothing is impossible. You just have to take that first step.

Power's On. Go!

You can watch the Running on Empty documentary here.

Let's Dance

I have to admit this about myself. I run faster with good and/or new music. I've just been introduced to a podcast so I don't have to keep buying music, and I can ditch my usual sound track which I was getting so bored with. Is this why I was running so slow? Because I was bored? Bored with my usual road route, bored with my music? I needed a change.

I just about quit running the other day. Seriously. I was ready to give up. My legs hurt, and I felt like I was getting nowhere and I was not recovering from my runs. And I had no idea why. On top of this, my Achilles seemed to be getting tighter and tighter and nothing was working. Not ice baths, not acupuncture, not even time off. It's been driving me nuts.

Yesterday I left work for a lunch run and almost cried my Achilles hurt so much. I stopped at home (only 2 blocks away from my office) to switch shoes as a last ditch effort. Instead of my old road shoes, I decided to try one more time with my new Inov-8's. As I ran down the hill towards the river, on my toes rather than my heels... nothing hurt! I was hesitant but finally I was able to hold a decent pace so I came back to work happy. This morning Matt and I ran a 10k loop and we were even able to hold race pace for 4k of it, once again pain free. I didn't think I could go that pace any more but the music was fun and it's warming up to 15 here today. Thank God. All is not lost.

We get to work together from a coffee shop this afternoon and then plan to do a nice long trail run with Maui at Nose Hill before we go babysit my gorgeous niece Blaire this evening. I'm hoping this is the end of the injury... knock on wood.

So assuming my legs hold up, here is the tentative race plan for the year. As usual it's a bit road heavy at the start but gets into the trails in July. I've also got the three trail running camps and plan to spend most of my training time after Seattle on the trails.

January: Phoenix Marathon. Done.

April 1: Glencoe Icebreaker 10k
April 29: Policeman's’ half

May 27: Calgary Half Marathon

June 23: Seattle marathon

July 14: Powderface 42 trail marathon
July 21: Nipika Crazy Soles trail 25k

August 14: TransRockies Run 3

September 1: Meet your Maker 50 Sept 1

October 7: Victoria or Chicago Marathon Oct 7

Now I just have to stay healthy and injury free!

Gift from the Sea

My mother in law gave me a book when my daughters were born. Gift From the Sea was written in the 50s but I could not believe how applicable the concepts were to today, to my life. I felt like she was writing for me. She spoke of being a woman, a mother, a wife, a daughter. Like me, she felt like she had to do it all. She addressed the feelings of 'motherhood guilt' that we all have, that we will never be good enough, give our children enough, and that the to do list is never ending, like waves filling in a hole you dig in the sand. Motherhood in itself is probably the most gratifying and fulfilling job in the world, but in those moments where you're buried under laundry and house cleaning and social engagements and work and you're going on no sleep it's hard to get perspective.

And stepping back sometimes, removing yourself from the situation even for a few blissful moments of silence, is often the best way to get that perspective. To learn that maybe you actually do love the chaos, the way your children wrap their arms around you, the constant laughter, being needed by a child. You can reflect on what they said and how much it meant, even though when they actually said it to you may not have paid attention because you were trying to get dinner on the table. And you can forgive yourself for not being present because for goodness sakes not everyone is a master of multi-tasking!

In Gift From the Sea, Anne Morrow Lindbergh writes about a woman who takes a trip to a beach house, all alone and away from her family. She leaves with a To Do list... but while there realizes that there is so much renewal and re balancing that occurs as she learns to be still, to surrender, to be open and quiet. At first she feels odd and guilty, but then she relaxes and lets it take it's course. Her thoughts and realizations inspired me and made me realize that I too needed to ensure that I regularly took time to re balance myself, to come back to center, and that in doing this, I was an even better mother and wife than I would have been if I had tried to keep doing it all without stopping to breathe. It was an important lesson early on in motherhood. A few of her thoughts:

The sea does not reward those who are too anxious, too greedy, or too impatient. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach - waiting for a gift from the sea.

I believe that what woman resents is not so much giving herself in pieces as giving herself purposelessly. (My thoughts on this are that while it's hard to see purpose in repeatedly doing the never ending chores, your job is SOOOO important to your family's stability. None of the jobs are sexy or rewarding, but they need to get done and usually we are the ones to just do them. Doesn't it drive you crazy that you have to be the bad guy, the disciplinarian that is there day after day, putting in the work, teaching consistency, cleaning up the messes, breaking up the fights, and that then dad or an aunt or uncle gets to swoop in and just reap all the benefits and be so much fun? It's like training for a race. No one sees the hours you put into the training, the work that goes on every day, even when your body hurts. But without putting in that hard work, you would never make it to the finish line.)

By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class.

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift From the Sea

This last quote isn't quite as relevant today for most North American women. We have gained a lot of independence and recognition for our 'unpaid' work. We are no longer tied to the house, or at least we have a choice now. And this has been written about extensively so I won't re-circle the argument, but suffice to say that a lot of women live in a constant state of exhaustion. I learned early on that I had to run to keep myself in balance. When my kids were little, my husband knew that at the end of the day when he got home, and I had been with the kids all day, that if I was on edge he just needed to push me out the door for a run and I would come back a different person.

Of my friends and the women I know, there seem to be two general types. Most of the mothers I know fall into the first category. This woman is constantly on the run but never really fulfilled. From the second she wakes up in the morning, she is taking care of everyone else, making breakfast, cleaning up, getting kids organized, driving to soccer or ballet or art lessons. Her husband is an incredible father and balances her and loves her, but also regularly takes time for himself to golf, play hockey, go for a drink with the boys. He also encourages his wife to take more time for herself, to go away for a weekend or even just to go for a massage. But she rarely takes him up on it. She lives in an almost constant state of exhaustion.

On the other side of the spectrum, I have a few girlfriends who have figured it out and are great role models for me. They truly walk around with a genuine smile on their face. These women, for whatever reason, know how important it is to take care of yourself. Because they know they will be a happier mother, sister, girlfriend, wife if they make sure that they are ok first. And they have energy. And they know how to say no. And they can delegate and ask for help. Believe me, there is proof that stress does a lot more damage than not finishing your vegetables one night. Living in a constant state of stress and overstimulation of the sympathetic nervous system will directly contribute to aging, immune system depletion, and a general wearing out of the body. Your body can't even digest food when it's in this state of stress!

The reason I'm writing this is two fold. One is because I keep meeting new moms that are completely burnt out and trying to do it all. And they just refuse to be away from their kids for any amount of time. Sure they do it all but they are so burnt out that there is not an ounce of joy left in them, or color in their cheeks. And I just want to put them on a plane to a beach. Everyone would do so much better with a little break.

Secondly, yes this is a blatant pitch for some great running vacations I'm putting together through TransRockies events. There are three to choose from depending on your goals. It's not about training. It's about vacation, renewal, learning and meeting inspiring people. It's about YOU! And it's just going to be a ton of fun. www.trailstriders.com

Remember, all of life is a cycle of build and destroy. You can't go hard without stopping. Bears hibernate, snow forces the flowers to sleep. A seed will not sprout without darkness and warmth. There is recovery in rest. Sometimes we build, sometimes we destroy, sometimes we rest and reflect. All of it is important, and sometimes you just need to step out of the cycle to shift your awareness. So consider giving yourself a break. The gift of rest so that you can recover and rebuild. You deserve it and will be a much happier person when you get back. Put a little joy back into your step.

Patience

Patience is not my forte. It never has been. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be. I’m trying.
So maybe it’s not the smartest thing to take on training for a marathon out of the blue, in the middle of winter and over the Christmas holidays with all sorts of ridiculous treats and temptations and Christmas parties and only five full weeks to train. But like I said in my last post, sometimes it’s fun to mix it up a bit.

The training for this race absolutely sucked. And by training I mean the mental training. The running was the easy part. I picked a pace and spent as much time as I could running at that pace or faster. My mental state was a completely different story. Not sure why I care so much about doing this fast marathon but I had stated a goal and it was important to me to reach it. I feel like the marathon is a benchmark for runners. You can kind of get away with doing a 10k or a half marathon and if you screw up on the training a bit you might still be ok. But with the marathon it’s a different story. You can’t just wing it. Or at least I can’t. I just had no idea whether my 3hr goal was actually possible or not. So there was a lot of doubt, a lot of negative self talk. But at the same time I didn’t take anyone’s advice. A couple people told me I wouldn’t be able to do it in less than 12 weeks and I chose not to listen. I wanted to trust my gut, see what I was really capable of instead of being limited by someone else’s idea of what is possible.

So while this weekend was very goal specific, it was also a birthday celebration weekend with one of my best friends in the world. Geneva and I have known each other since we were two and we have been through it ALL together. And she’s turning 30 a couple weeks after me so this was sort of our birthday girl trip too. And even if I hadn’t reached my goal, it would have been one of the best girl trips ever. We literally did not stop laughing from the time we got to the airport on Friday afternoon until I dropped her off in -40 at 1am Tuesday morning. And as much as she was nervous too, she was 100% full of positive pep talk all the way. I may not have believed her, but her enthusiasm and positivity was infectious and no doubt contributed to my mental state during the race.

So the actual race isn’t anything exciting. It’s 42km of road running. Essentially I just executed a plan. My goal was to run at 4:08/km (6:40 per mile) the whole way. I had had a few interesting marathon theory talks with Matty’s friend leading up to it and was told to just hold back until 32k. It was good advice. There were a few times that I wanted to race the girls ahead of me, as I would usually do, but I resisted. This race wasn’t about placing. It was about getting a time that I wanted. I mean don’t get me wrong, it always feels good to pass someone but I wasn’t going to blow up and wreck my race over it. I had my splits written on my left arm and my Garmin on my wrist.

My splits were a little off, so while I thought I was running 4:08 for the first half, I crossed it at 1:31. Not a great sign but it just meant I had to speed up a bit. So rather than doing 4:08s, I picked it up to about 3:55-4minute pace as far as my Garmin was telling me. This pace felt fairly effortless as well so I knew I could hold it. And by the time I got to 30.5km, I decided I didn’t want to wait any more to turn it on. So I picked it up again, holding about a 3:45 - 4 minute pace for the last 12k.


I had four gels with me, and my Vega Pre-workout energizer condensed in a little handheld bottle. I stopped and walked at almost every water station and forced myself to stay hydrated and not choke. My blood sugar didn’t dip once. I had one small cramp for about five minutes. The hill that looked so bad on the profile the day before seemed non existent leading up to the 32k mark and then it was almost all downhill from there. It was literally the perfect race, until the last 5k.

This was the point where I realized it was going to be really tight to get in under three hours. I was going as hard as I could but just couldn’t go any faster. If there was a wall to hit, it was here. Low blood sugar, legs exhausted, small rolls in the road feel like mountains. Part of me is saying “wow, Amy you actually might do this!” and at the same time I am ready to stop and walk. But here is where I start to tell myself: Amy you did not give up hours of time with the kids, plus this weekend, plus spend the money to get here, to give up now. Shut up self. Just finish the race.

When I crossed and looked at my watch, just under 3hrs and 1 minute, I didn’t have any surge of emotion. So odd. The whole day I just felt calm and stable. If I’d finished at 2:55 it might have been a different story. But I feel like I just trusted myself, put the work in, followed the plan, stayed calm and patient, and did what I went there to do. Sorta boring isn’t it?

So while I didn’t go ‘under’ three hours, I’d say I accomplished my goal. My official time was 3hrs, 51 seconds. I’m not going to get hung up on 52 seconds. If anything, the only thing that tells me is that I might have to do it again. Yes, I told myself that once I reached this three hour goal that I would never run another marathon. But it just felt so good. I mean compared to some of the trail races I’ve done, compared to Trans Rockies, it was like running on a treadmill. Two days later, Matty and I have already decided that we are going to register for the LA marathon on March 18. And hopefully this time, I will have a little more confidence in my abilities and just trust that if I put in the work and the miles, that things might just go according to plan.

What I wore: Arc’teryx clothing, Salomon calf sleeves.

Shoes: Inov-8 (yes I wore a trail shoe and yes, they felt great. Same ones I wore in Trans Rockies, I love them).

What I ate during the race: Vega Pre-Workout Energizer and four Vega sport gels. Breakfast was a lot of water, coconut water for electrolyte balance, 1/2 banana and a large coffee at 5am.

The day before I had fruit for breakfast, a huge kale salad from Whole Foods at lunch, about a cup of mulberries, banana chips and almonds, one head of parsley (to help with the water retention from the airplane), and for dinner I had an apple and half an avocado. I tend to not eat much the day before a race, I just do better when there is less in the system. Digestion takes a lot of energy. So you have to balance out the energy you get from eating, vs the energy it takes to digest the food. In my case, less is more. We went to bed pretty early but I didn’t sleep very well which was ok because I had slept really well all week. Also - last run was on Tuesday and took the rest of the week off because of some muscle spasms in my back. Just a light 4k run on Saturday.

*As a side note, I found out a few months ago that I have very low Ferritin levels. This might have been why I felt so horrible at TransRockies the whole time because if your levels are under 20 then racing at altitude gets pretty tough. So I’ve been supplementing with a liquid iron and I think it helped a lot. My diet is pretty full of dark green leafy veg and occasionally red meat, but apparently I needed more. It's funny, I'm a nutritionist. I should have known this but it's one thing to see it in others, another to recognize the signs in yourself. I tell you this because I know I'm not the only mom out there that forgets to nourish herself. Ladies- pay attention and make sure you stay on top of your health so you can be your best. It's a simple blood test. Make time.